Church Militant | Holy Smack

What began as a symptom of a greater illness called rhyme-disease culminated in chronic puns, both intended and unintended. Mr. Pham’s students, over the past 15+ years, endured his dad-jokes (though he’s still single and yet to father any biological offspring), but this wonder pun was the perfect specimen: a quadruple pun in one, tying not only traditional Catholic terms and symbols (canons, birettas, the St. Benedict Medal), but also featuring our part of the three-layer-prayer of the Church Suffering (in Purgatory), the Church Militant (on earth), and the Church Triumphant (in Heaven).

And now: YOU CAN WEAR IT on your sleeve, and over your heart. And over your entire upper body. In dozens of color schemes:

Want one? Visit my Venmo shop here or my EBay shop here. Only $20 each for S, M, L, XL (extra for XXL, XXXL) and shipping in continental USA is FREE, for a limited time! Thank you for your support, and may God bless you.

The full breakdown:

Birettas: the little hat Roman Catholic priests used to wear | Berettas: firearms of the famed 500-year-old Italian weapons manufacturer
Canons: the Roman Canon is the official Eucharistic prayer of the Roman Catholic Church, and is even older than the New Testament | Cannons: weapons that fire artillery
Missals: the book containing the prayers and rubrics of the Roman Catholic Mass | Missiles: self-propelled ballistic rockets
Worship: the praise and adoration Roman Catholics offer to God | Warship: massive ships that carry weapons and sailors into naval battles
The letters in the cross: Crux Sacra Sit Mihi Lux, Non Draco Sit Mihi Dux | these abbreviations are from the Benedictine Cross, a powerful medal with excoriating exorcistic prayers against demons. The phrase means: the Holy Cross be my light, never the dragon be my guide.

Do you disagree with the Catholic Church?

If you do, let me share how you can disagree successfully and completely! A hundred percent! And even if you don’t disagree, you should keep the following point in mind:

Once upon a time, there was a basketball player and a hockey player. The basketball player hated hockey with malicious viciousness. We’ll call him Piston (cawz dis be Deetroit!) and we’ll call the hockey player RedWing (because I’m out of ideas.)

RedWing: Dude, Piston — what’s hockey ever done to you? Why do you hate hockey so much?

Piston: I just do! I hate hockey! The game sucks!

RedWing: (Instead of high-sticking Piston in the face on the spot, he asks) Well… what about “hockey” sucks?

Piston: Well! For one thing, it’s too cold! Why do they need to make to whole arena like a freezer? I went to a game once and I got the sniffles! That’s just wrong.

RedWing: Oooookay… anything else about the game of hockey?

Piston: Yeah! The net around the rink! What’s up with that? It blocks the view, and the plexiglass has a stupid glare. So, even if I wanted to watch the game, I can’t! Dumb as crap! Dumb…

RedWing: Right… right… and the skates are dumb, too?

Piston: That’s the worst part of hockey! It’s already cold and slippery on the rink, who needs skates to make it even slippier?! You should all use snowshoes instead. Safety first man… safety first.

END OF CONVERSATION

(Note: I am NOT saying basketball players are dumb and that hockey players are smart. If that’s what you think the point was, please go back to school.)

So what does that have to do with disagreeing with the Catholic Church? Well… consider this quote:

“There are not 100 persons who hate the Church, but there are millions who hate what they think is the Church.” -Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

That’s a big claim! So is Bishop Sheen thinking about you when he said that? Are you a basketball player who hates the legendary sport of hockey for all the wrong reasons? Are you a Catholic who disagrees with what you THINK the Church says, instead of what she actually proposes?

Here is the challenge to you: If you think the Church has to change her teaching on Holy Matrimony, sanctity of all human life, love and relationships, worship, liturgy, Sacred Scripture, human sexuality, stem-cell research, Heaven, Hell, Confession, cloning, etc., IF YOU THINK THE CHURCH IS WRONG on any of the above and more, then do your research before you speak out like you know 100% what’s on her mind and what’s in her heart (which is ultimately what her Lord (Jesus Christ) thinks too).

Because someone who acts like they know what they’re talking about (but actually doesn’t) is called… ignorant and prejudiced. So please, take my advice, because I don’t want you to be ignorant and prejudiced. I want you to know the full case, the full teaching of the Church, so that if you do disagree, then you can disagree 100% and not just disagree with some misconception or misinformation (that would be unproductive, wouldn’t it?).

So if you’re against the Church, make sure you’re actually against her and not just your fantasy of her… because then you’d just be against YOURSELF! And that’s kinda silly.

P.S… keep in mind this meme:

The only way to leave the Church forever is to go to Hell, because anywhere else is still the Church! Life on Earth is the Church Militant, Purgatory is the Church Suffering, and Heaven is the Church Triumphant (hope to see you there!).