Baby, It’s Cold Outside (Beware of Rapist)

It’s Christmas Eve! And as much as I enjoy a good Christmas song, I have to say that at least one has really irked me to the point of publicly whining about its horrors. So here goes: the first of many posts regarding What’s Wrong with that Song?!

May I present the atrocious lyrics for your criticism (lines in parentheses are the man in the song) [lines in brackets and bold are my 2-cents]:

I really can’t stay
(But baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away
(But baby, it’s cold outside)

—–[Quit making excuses, man! If she wants to leave, let her! Jerk… she ain’t asking permission!]

This evening has been
(Been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the fireplace roar)

—–[What’s her hurry? She just told you, bub. How dare you worry her parents like that?!]

So really I’d better scurry
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more
(Put some records on while I pour)

The neighbors might think
(Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink?
(No cabs to be had out there)

—–[Date-rape danger. Date-rape danger. Date-rape danger!]

I wish I knew how
(Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell
(I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

—–[Eyes dazed… yeah, this is bad…]

I ought to say no, no, no, sir
(Mind if I move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(What’s the sense in hurting my pride?)

—–[Of course he’s only concerned about himself this whole time. I’m surprised he even has any pride left, having sunken so low… what a leech!]

I really can’t stay
(Baby, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

I simply must go
(But baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no
(But baby, it’s cold outside)

—–[Did he just say no and expect her to obey, when she said no earlier and he walked all over it?!]

This welcome has been
(How lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm
(Look out the window at that storm)

—–[He’s starting to sound like the big bad wolf… “Oh! Little Red Riding Hood… how delicious you look!”]

My sister will be suspicious
(Gosh, your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door
(Waves upon a tropical shore)

—–[That’s what I thought… he’s a predator.]

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(Ooh, your lips are delicious)
But maybe just a cigarette more
(Never such a blizzard before)

—–[A vampire, even.]

I’ve got to get home
(But baby, you’ll freeze out there)
Say, lend me your coat
(It’s up to your knees out there)

—–[Maybe he should lend her some R.E.S.P.E.C.T.?]

You’ve really been grand
(I thrill when you touch my hand)
But don’t you see
(How can you do this thing to me?)

—–[Of course, he’s still worried just about little-old-himself, while she’s been thinking of others the whole time!]

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(Think of my life long sorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied
(If you caught pneumonia and died)

—–[Yep, more me-me-me… boo hoo, big pervert. He’s even trying to scare her now!]

I really can’t stay
(Get over that hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

—–[In the end, he should have ESCORTED HER HOME HIMSELF. IF NOT, AT LEAST SHOW SOME CHIVALRY AND DECENCY. WHAT AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MANHOOD. GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY ON US WHO ARE LIKE HIM…]

Winter Wonderland is such a better song...

This photo is what should’ve happened. Winter Wonderland is such a better song…

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