The World Is Not Enough

Posted by HolySmack on November 23, 2013

I am thinking of some of you… perhaps most of you — maybe.

I am asking the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament of the Altar. The following is an actual prayer journal entry of mine from the morning of November 15th, 2013:

Jesus? how do those who used to believe in You stop believing? How would anyone un-believe after realizing the Beauty? When in unbelieving, the cessation would limit their gaze on Beauty?

How did they decide there was enough beauty, that they were satisfied with the world and all its temporary aesthetics? Whereas myself… in love and in need of greater and greater beauty, in hope of deeper and deeper drowning in Beauty, drowning in Her. I could never settle for the beauty of mere creation, not because Creation is cheap… no! But because She is so sensuous and luscious that I must find Her source! I must reach for it to reach it! Did man who gazed upon the blush of the moon rest content on merely gazing? Does man shrug at the tropical beach and leave perfectly happy to have seen it from afar? Does a bridegroom just married to his bride find satisfaction in merely beholding her silhouette?

What man would not hope instead to stroll the cheeks of the moon? to rest upon the beach, upon her warm sands, wade in her warm waters, wander her gardens and taste the sweets of her groves? What husband would not desire to embrace and behold fully his wife? All of her!

All of Her! All of Beauty.
And only All will do for me.

And who does not want even more? Who would settle for less than Heaven?

And I believe in You, God, for I cannot believe that Beauty ends, as this mortal creation ends. My appetite for Beauty is too great, it is too devoted to accept that it all perishes, and perishes forever. But, it is just barely great enough to have faith that Beauty is eternal, forever.
I will only be sated with Her forever.

“If love is not forever — it is nothing.” -Saint Teresa of Avila

What’s “Seminary” Anyway?

Posted by HolySmack on November 10, 2013

If that’s a question you can’t really answer, then you’re just like me — until a few months back. A lot of people these days aren’t really sure what a seminary is, much less how a good seminary works. Well, let me do my best to explain:

What seminary is not:
-a priest-school
-a place to hide from the world
-a last resort because you can’t do anything else
-a place to learn to be a priest so you can be in a position of power

Instead, what my few months here has helped me realize is that a solid Roman Catholic seminary is a prolonged retreat. I’ve been here since late August and I still feel like this place is a retreat house. So the question is, what’s a retreat and how’s it different from hiding from the world?

A retreat is exercise, and it’s exercise that focuses on the soul and spirit. People go to boot camps to train their bodies and minds, but in a retreat we train the person to become a better version of him or herself, through and through. Seminary formation focuses on our habits, opinions, personality, ethic, self-mastery and self-discipline, and most of all our adoption of the virtues: prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude, faith, hope, and love.

Strong not just in the muscles, but in discipline, selflessness, integrity, honesty, faithfulness and love.

So in seminary, we learn about ourselves and rise to the challenge of becoming stronger Christian men by relying more on God’s grace and less on our own abilities. Jesus becomes more our center, our guide, our inspiration, our energy to live up to what the world needs us to be: solid and selfless men who love the Lord.

And contrary to what many think, a man who leaves the seminary without becoming a priest is NOT a failure. He is a success! A win-win-situation! If the man finds his calling to be a devout Catholic priest who is solid, selfless, and loyal to the Lord, then he has found his treasure in serving the Church and all her members. This man leaves the seminary with a mission. If the mans finds his calling to be a devout Catholic husband who is solid, selfless, and loyal to the Lord, then he has found his treasure in serving the woman of his life, his bride and all the little ones they may be blessed with. This man leaves the seminary with a mission. If a man finds his calling to be a devout Catholic single soldier who is solid, selfless, and loyal to the Lord, then he has found his treasure in serving others in ways that priests or husbands cannot serve. This man leaves the seminary with a mission.

Faithful to the end

That is the generosity and beauty of the seminarian experience. Of course, some seminaries are better than others (hence the reason for some seminarians being sent far away from their home dioceses even though there are other seminaries nearer by), but they all aim for the same goal: solid, selfless men loyal to Jesus Christ who are ready to love until death does them part from life.

That’s also why seminary is so challenging. A man can’t just go to his pastor and say he wants to apply for seminary. There are background checks, criminal history record scrutiny, blood tests and physical evaluations, letters and letters of recommendation, essays and essays to write, interviews and psychological exams to clear, and more. And if a man is accepted, then there’s the inhumanly possible horarium — a daily schedule that is made to break anyone who tries to be selfish or lazy with their time. Since this is a Catholic seminary, there is also tons of prayer time that can either be wasted, or can result in one growing by the leaps of master pole-vaulters. Then there are the classes. Not only does the seminarian try to increase his physical strength and endurance, increase his spiritual virtues and prayer life, his self-mastery and service to others, but he also increases his intellectual and logical prowess with philosophy, theology and even Latin (a very demanding language that behaves more like mathematics!).

If you think Jesus is a weakling, wait till you see His return in all glorious almightiness. Who else fought the devil to the death, and then came back better than ever?

The seminary is where boys go so that the God-Man Himself transforms them into men just like Him. And who doesn’t want to be like the God-Man (Who not even death itself could keep Him dead!)?

Pray for me!

*Disclaimer: there is no guarantee in the seminarian formation process that all the men who leave will be solid, selfless and loyal to the Lord. If the boy is selfish, prideful, dishonest, lustful and unwilling to mature, then there is no seminary (but suffering, perhaps) that can inspire him to grow up.

A Beautiful Halloween

Posted by HolySmack on November 5, 2013

For those who don’t know Detroit, especially the neighborhoods around the seminary, it’s not the safest place to walk around at night. There are abandoned buildings, houses, streets and land in every direction. I’ve even heard random gunshots during my after dinner walks by the street.

So if it’s not even safe during the day, then where do the kids go trick-or-treating on Halloween? Where do their parents take them?

They go to the seminary.

For a month ahead, candy donations are delivered to the seminary, and for the night of the 31st, a small truckload of sweets go out into the neighborhood youngsters.

That’s what I was told when I started my year here at Sacred Heart.

But then I saw it myself. At least 1000 people — children, teens, toddlers, infants, parents, grandparents — lining up to stop by the seminary doors for bagfuls of treats… at least 1000 friends to greet and welcome.

I saw so many of our neighbors in that few hours. I watched them come out of the rain, watched them share their smiles with us, their laughs and their joy even though they had waited in line for two hours! I felt sad for them: the long walk they took, the cold they endured, the damp on their backs. I felt sad…

But I couldn’t stay sad.

I couldn’t help but feel that I was the one who was tired, that I was the one who was cold and damp. The 1000 friends were visiting to help me see what I was missing, what I couldn’t see: that when they all left, I felt lonely. I felt beauty had left… but not without leaving her mark,

All around the seminary floor… the marble and tiled floor was slathered with wet footprints, mud and dirt, leaves, scraps and pebbles. It was a dirty floor. But it was so beautiful. I saw then that beauty lurks in the dirt.

If the floor had been kept untouched with so many guests around, then the floor would be ugly. It would be ugly because it didn’t welcome anyone. It would be ugly because we refused to let any friends visit — to keep the house clean would mean for us to keep our doors shut, to keep us isolated, selfish.

Same with my hands. They were sticky and grimy, sweaty and slimy. They were covered with beauty. All the hands I got to shake, the fingers I got to hold. If I had kept my hands clean when there were that many visitors to welcome, then my hands would have been filthy with selfishness.

True ugliness then, was my selfishness. And true beauty then, was the spent floor, the soiled steps, the dirtied hands.

The Priest Disappears

Posted by HolySmack on October 13, 2013

For most of my life, I’ve been going to the Ordinary Form (aka: the Novus Ordo, the New Order) of the Roman Catholic Mass. It was the Mass I was born into, grew up with, and still appreciate. It’s the Mass of Vatican II, the Catholic Mass of today.

But once you taste the sushi, the steak, the cake, the wine… you just don’t wanna settle for the canned tuna, the burger, the Twinkie, the Hi-C. (That’s not to say you can’t have a really good tuna sandwich, gourmet burgers, and fresh homemade creme cakes with organic fruit punch, though!)

Mmmm… Mmmm!

Hmmm…

And once I tasted the Extraordinary Form (aka: the Vetus Ordo, the Old Order, the Tridentine, the Traditional Latin Mass), I just found it more and more difficult to feel satisfyingly fed at the Ordinary Mass. I mean, even the name itself sounds… not-extraordinary.

Well today (October 13, 2013, World-Wide-Consecration-to-Mary Day!), a few fellow seminarians invited me along to the Tridentine. I was surprised at first, because we had just went to a Mass! At the Cathedral! Five minutes ago! But at the same time, I felt like someone was treating me to a banquet — how could I decline? How?

So I went to Mass again, twice within four hours!

And WHAT A DIFFERENCE.

I could give dozens of reasons why I’ve grown to love the Extraordinary Mass. Ever since my first encounter with the EF in 2010-ish, I’ve seen my love for the Liturgy and my reverence for the Eucharist mature and ripen. The Tridentine has taught me how to worship, how to pray and praise, and how to serve the Lord.

And today at Vetus Ordo, I noticed yet another reason why: the priest disappears.

That’s right! The priest — he disappears!

I found myself wrestling with the prayers, exercising my soul, working out my mind and disciplining my body. Then I looked toward the High Altar and couldn’t see the priest. “Wait, where did Father go? Where… hmm… OH! There he is!”

So what happened?

I meditated on what just happened (the silence of V.O. Mass let’s you do that easily) and I realized: Mass is really not about the priest. It’s not about his homily, not about the jokes that he shares, not about the stories he relates (good as some are).

No. Mass is about the Lord. Mass is about Christ sacrificing Himself for love of us. And about Him feeding us with Bread from Heaven, with True Food and True Drink (John 6: 48-69).

And the servant of the Lord — the priest — knew Who was the focus of Mass. The priest submitted himself to Jesus, submitted so much so to the Church that *poof* he disappeared.

I must decrease, and He must increase (John 3:30). Right?

Bon Appétit!

*Please see this short video for more*

The elevation of the Blessed Sacrament.

UPDATED [Jan. 20, 2018]: My intuition is only further affirmed by this quote taken from this article from OnePeterFive:

In the Old Mass, the personality of the priest does not matter. His office matters, and he and the people together are facing the Lord. Conversus ad Dominum. And for that reason the role of the priest is an objective one. It’s not subjective, and for that reason he disappears. That is, obviously, he is the mediator between the congregation and God, leading the congregation toward God, but because of the objectivity of the structure, he disappears. That is very salutary, because the Mass is not about the priest; it’s about God. In the Novus Ordo, because of the versus populum practice, and because of all the options of the priest inserting something like a comment, or spontaneity, the role of the priest becomes terribly subjective. Therefore, he becomes the focus of attention, so the New Mass is terribly clericalized because it’s all about the priest, as opposed to the Old Mass. And this is unfortunate.

Just Another Day in Seminary

Posted by HolySmack on September 30, 2013

It’s been just over a month for me now at seminary. If anyone’s curious, here’s my typical schedule for a typical day:

6:30am) Good morning! Best wake or else be late!
7:10am) Morning Prayer (I’m usually the one scratching his eyes and stretching my jaw [aka: yawning]).
7:30am) Daily Mass – aka: what I SHOULD wake up for in the morning.
8:20am) BREAKFAST – aka: the real reason I wake up in the morning.
9:00am-ish) First Class of the Day: varies between Philosophy of Nature, Ancient Philosophy, or Power Reading (yes… they want me to read faster than my measley 277 words/minute. Don’t ask me how I have an English Degree.)
11:00am) Free Time – aka: study, study, try to study.
12:15pm) LUNCH – aka: the real reason I’m still awake.
1:20ish) Second Class of the Day: varies between Introduction to Logic and Ecclesiastical Latin I (go ahead – guess which is my favorite)
3:00ish) Free Time – aka: get ready for Holy Hour (Today, I’m writing my blog as we speak, but usually I get ready for Holy Hour – aka: anything but study)
4:00pm) Holy Hour in Adoration before the Most Blessed Sacrament – aka: staring contest with the Lord Himself, but He wins most of the time.
5:15pm) Evening Prayer – this is when I realize the day is almost over…
5:30pm) DINNAH TIME. YES.
7:00pm-ish) Varies between Introduction to Theology, Free Time (study), or a nice long walking Rosary.
9:00pm) Sometimes I’ll start exercising now for an hour – must stay fit otherwise instead of me caring for others… others would be caring for me in my illness!
10:00pm) Winding down, sometimes a healthy snack, showering, washing up.
11:00pm) Last minute homework, turn off the internet, light reading, Night Prayer.
Midnight) Goodnight.

I’d include more insights, but off to Holy Hour I go!
P.s. feel free to message me prayer requests anytime.

Kyrie… Eleison…

Posted by HolySmack on September 15, 2013

Today at Mass, while we prayed to the Lord to have mercy on us, I began to cry from the beautiful sight I was allowed to see…

In front of my pew was a small group of people who could not hear. They were all deaf, and were watching the signers interpret Mass. I watched with wonder as they signed their prayers into the air (I learned how to sign Alleluia!). There were also people who could not control their speech and bodies like we can. Most of them were young — just children.

But as we chanted the Kyrie… Eleison… I saw, in my mind, a blind man rising into Heaven on the last day. His name was David. Water drooled from his eyes, and he was kneeling in a puddle of his own tears. He was weeping, not because he was afraid, or sad… but because he could hear so many of his friends singing, laughing, dancing! He knew something amazing was happening to them.
And then the blind man felt two hands touch his face. The fingers found his eyes, and wiped the tears from his eyelids. He hears the Man say to him, “David — open your eyes and see.”

And David opens.

First, everything is blurry. But he cries even more — just being able to see haziness brings him unbelievable joy. Soon he realizes it is his own tears that he is looking through. He has never even seen his own tears before…

Then the Man wipes David’s eyes dry.

Then David sees.

For the first time in his existence — he sees. And the first face he sees is the Face of Love. The Face of the Lord. Smiling at him, welcoming him into paradise.

All around them are the blind who now see. How happy they are to finally know sight, to finally see how beautiful Beauty can be.

I cry with them… Christe Eleison… Christ have mercy…

Then I see the deaf. A deaf woman watches all those in Heaven, singing and laughing and dancing! She can see them open their mouths, their lungs filling Creation with song… but there is no music for her, no laughter, nothing.

She watches the Man approach — He puts His hands to her ears. He brushes her hair back and her ears blossom. She hears, for the first time, her heart racing with excitement — her lungs wild and weeping. “Sally… listen… we sing for you… we all sing for you…” The voice of Love calls to her — the voice of the Lord.

Heaven sings for her. The first song she ever listens to in her entire existence is the song of stars and sky, the music of saints and angels. How happy they are to finally know music, to finally dance with the rhythm of life.

How happy they are to finally know speech, to finally express their thoughts and loves, to finally sing their hearts into the winds. How happy they are to finally know the flavors they were forbidden to taste, to finally dine at the banquet waiting for them. How happy they are to have their full being as truly theirs at last – at last.

I cry with them — our tears trickling down from Heaven onto earth… Kyrie Eleison… Lord have mercy… on me…

How much beauty there is that I know not how to gaze upon.
How much melody there is that I know not how to hear.
How much life there is that I know not how to live.
How many beloveds there are that I know not how to love.
How many blessings there are that I know not how to share…

Why Seminary? And Why Now?

Posted by HolySmack on August 15, 2013

In honor of the Assumption (Dormition) of Our Lady into Heaven as Queen of Creation, I commence the blog “Holy Smack”!
—
Why seminary?
And why now?

I came to the major realization a few months back. It was during Lent 2013, some Sunday in February or March. I was finishing up teaching catechism classes at church. At dismissal, I came into the hall and saw the students pour out of their classrooms. So many of them, and so many of them lost, confused, and living lives of quiet desperation. Sure, they have food, clothes, houses… but how many have a home? A loving and faithful family? Supportive friends and positive influences? So many… who will care for them?

And I said, “I want to. I want to care for them.” And then I realized, “If I have my own family one day… wife and children, I would be too in love with my own family to care for these and others. How can I take care of so many if my attention is divided? My family would come first, of course…”

So I had to rethink my hopes and dreams.

Later in Lent, I started teaching English essay classes to middle schoolers in the Chinese American community (Shout out to Lily, Charlie, Jennifer, Claire, Jessica, Austin, Andrew, Kelley, and Richard!). Though I loved teaching and guiding the students, I didn’t like focusing on teaching English. Instead, I wanted to give these kids the wisdom to make good moral choices, to understand their Christian faith, and to be smart — not superstitious! I loved teaching Christian morality, theology, philosophy.

So I had to rethink what I’d do with my English degree.

Then I saw my book, the proof copy of Little Miss Lucifer, sitting on my desk. After eleven years of work, research, plotting, planning, writing, scrapping, waiting, rewriting, revising, praying, editing, etc, she was almost ready for the world. But I just looked at it and repeated Saint Thomas Aquinas’ words: “All Straw!” St. Thomas Aquinas wrote shelves of beautiful work on philosophy and theology, and he called it straw. Compared to Heaven, compared to Christ, all was straw.

So I had to rethink whether publishing would make me happy.
Even if the book were to become wildly successful, even if I wrote ten more best sellers… would I be content?

And one night I struggled to fall asleep. I began daydreaming in the night. I imagined myself in bed ten years from now, beside my beautiful wife and our beautiful children. I imagined asking myself at that moment, “What if I did go to seminary? What if I did give my discernment more effort? Would I have heard a call to priesthood? What if…?”

I realized right then, that to be fair to my possible future wife and children, that I must find out. I must answer this question in my heart. I must address the question mark in my mind. I must answer “What if?” It was best for them, for me, and for others.

Besides, not every man who enters seminary is ordained. Seventy to ninety percent of the men who enter do not become ordained, but they leave seminary more resolved to be stronger and more courageous dads and husbands. They learn to be prayerful, humble, and caring. They learn how to serve others, how to respect, and how to keep their faith. They have nothing to lose — and so much to gain.

So I decided to apply. And now here I go!